To help stop everyone becoming Corona-Cray-Cray, I offer a small antidote:

Episode 2 of ‘How to keep your pregnant belly out of trouble’

#5 Wear dark clothes when you eat – or put on a serviette (Poirot-style) – unless you want to advertise what you ate for your last meal (when most of it ends up on the ‘belly-shelf’)

#6 Don’t stand too close to people in a queue. They can mistake your wriggling baby for you trying to feel them up. Both embarrassing and inappropriate coming from a pregnant woman.

#7 Be careful at kindergartens: pregnant bellies are just the right height for taking out a 4 year old. (Giving a pre-schooler a head injury is not a good look. The consequences could be dramatic enough to give Chris Tsiolkas the plot for the sequel to ‘The Slap’)

#8 Following on from #7, never arrive late at the theatre. The seats are so close together at The Princess Theatre that rushing along the row to get your seat for Harry Potter might cause a few Grannies to need craniotomies to fix the skull fractures and brain haemorrhages inflicted as your belly takes out their heads like a row of dominoes.

#9 Don’t try to hide behind trees with slim trunks

#10 Have baths not showers. Bellies are at exactly tap height in a shower. Those with modern taps are likely to bump them – next instant you are scalding hot or freezing cold.

#11 Don’t try to be the last one on a crowded tram or train. Squishing in at peak hour could result in an inadvertent caesarean section as the doors close.

#12 Don’t hug people who have recently had abdominal surgery

#13 Don’t go for the cheap Uber. It is embarrassing to send it away when you can’t fit into it. Even worse if it is Uber Pool. You would hear the others howl with laughter as they drive off without you.

#14 Don’t wear Spanx. Just don’t. You have no idea how ridiculous you already look and trying to force it into Spanx just makes you look like a fat gourmet sausage – and if someone gives you a poke your whole skin will split.*

#15 Don’t agree to wear a bridesmaid’s dress designed with as a short skirt with a small waist, full skirt and gold lurex material.**


*Thanks for the reminder Ali
** There are some things you cannot un-see. I still laugh out loud every time I think of the photo of my absolutely gorgeous young patient (including LOL as I write this!) more resembling Tweedle-dum.
*** The look of complete horror on her face was priceless.
*** Actually I think Katy Perry is trying to recreate the pregnant-Tweedle-dum look…but in pink.